Now, I've often wondered why - and I guess it's not just me, but I reckon this ain't exactly a 'normal' thing - but for some reason (despite the fact that my memory is fucking shocking) my brain has a propensity to recall embarrassing and humiliating things I've said and done, with the utmost clarity.
It's quite a thing to behold really. I can't remember shit, and yet there are things that I've said when I was completely fucked off my face, well over ten years ago, that still randomly appear in my brain apropos of nothing.
They strike like a kick in the nuts.
I often audibly moan at the recollection, develop weird little spazzy tics where I gesticulate with my arms or pull my hair, and usually wince quite noticeably just at the thought of the dumb shit I said, all those years ago.
And it seems so incredibly unfair - I mean, how comes I can remember all this embarrassing shit? How comes every time I hear a Matthew Herbert track, it still brings back that embarrassing memory of that stupid thing I said relating to Matthew Herbert, when I was off my face on pills at a party in 2002? How comes these thoughts will just suddenly appear in my head, donkey punch me in the amygdala, and then leave?
Why don't I remember all the times when I've said something funny? When everything has fallen perfectly into place and I've managed to (albeit fleetingly) be quick-witted, charming, intelligent and hilarious? I couldn't think of one of those times if I tried, yet I know they'd at least equal all the times I've been a massive bellend.
And so I envy those that don't suffer from this affliction. I wonder what it would be like to be like that, free of that self-criticism and self-loathing, unshackled from shame and regret.
Until today, when I read the following exchange:
James Delingpole@JamesDelingpole
@stellacreasy Stella, if you are sexually drawn to me I totally understand. I just think that Twitter come-ons are a bit crass for an MP
And I realised that if I didn't have that shame written into my DNA, I'd probably be a massive twat, like James Delingpole
It's quite a thing to behold really. I can't remember shit, and yet there are things that I've said when I was completely fucked off my face, well over ten years ago, that still randomly appear in my brain apropos of nothing.
They strike like a kick in the nuts.
I often audibly moan at the recollection, develop weird little spazzy tics where I gesticulate with my arms or pull my hair, and usually wince quite noticeably just at the thought of the dumb shit I said, all those years ago.
And it seems so incredibly unfair - I mean, how comes I can remember all this embarrassing shit? How comes every time I hear a Matthew Herbert track, it still brings back that embarrassing memory of that stupid thing I said relating to Matthew Herbert, when I was off my face on pills at a party in 2002? How comes these thoughts will just suddenly appear in my head, donkey punch me in the amygdala, and then leave?
Why don't I remember all the times when I've said something funny? When everything has fallen perfectly into place and I've managed to (albeit fleetingly) be quick-witted, charming, intelligent and hilarious? I couldn't think of one of those times if I tried, yet I know they'd at least equal all the times I've been a massive bellend.
And so I envy those that don't suffer from this affliction. I wonder what it would be like to be like that, free of that self-criticism and self-loathing, unshackled from shame and regret.
Until today, when I read the following exchange:
- stellacreasy
@stellacreasy8h.@JamesDelingpole happy 2 debate with U-FYI didnt think UR ‘is she fit mp- I’d do her’ tweets re me harassment, just crass#TakeBackTwitter
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- James Delingpole
@JamesDelingpole2h@stellacreasy I hope you're not harrassing me, Stella. Feels like it. Or trolling, possibly. Go and annoy somebody else.
Details - stellacreasy
@stellacreasy2h@JamesDelingpole was calling out your crassness in such public comments as distinct to harassment- shame you can’t see difference…
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And I realised that if I didn't have that shame written into my DNA, I'd probably be a massive twat, like James Delingpole
