FAILING IN THE SIMPLE TASK OF PERSUADING A GROCER TO SELL THEM EGGS
The Fiver is not one to draw hasty conclusions – To Do is To Dawdle, that's always been our motto – but there can surely be no denying that the new regime at
Manchester United has made the least auspicious first impression since the time Weird Uncle Fiver turned up for a blind date wearing nothing but hot pants and an expectant grin.
Whereas United fans were hoping for a summer of signings that would show the world that the club is determined to retain its Premier League supremacy regardless of Lord Ferg's abdication, the transfer window shut last night with the main hole in their squad remaining as hideously exposed as our deluded relative. New manager David Moyes and new transfer guru Ed Woodward should have eggs all over their faces this morning … but were unable to persuade local grocers to sell them any eggs.
Woodward, it is true, was successful in his previous role at the club – managing to convince seemingly shrewd businessmen to hand over millions of pounds for titles as prestigious as 'Manchester United's official paint provider' and 'Manchester United official noodles partner' – but his initial attempts at wheeling and dealing in the transfer market have been about as convincing as an Ashley Young fall.
United's prospects looked brightish in July when, amid ardent wooing of Cesc Fábregas and Thiago Alcantara,
Woodward left the pre-season jaunt to Australia in order to conduct "major transfer business" but it soon transpired that that was just a reference to the stop-over at Hong Kong and United would not be getting the creative midfielder they badly need. United eventually lowered their sights and seemed set to settle for Ander Herrera, only for the bid to founder on the technicality that United did not agree to pay the price demanded by the player's notoriously intransigent club, Athletic Bilbao.
That was the same reason for which they failed to secure a new left-back from the famously skint Everton. Woodward's approach has led to some fans to accuse him of being ignorant or arrogant but that may not be completely fair: after all, while leaving no stone unturned in their search for an available world class midfield schemer, United still found time to stop and give directions to the Emirates to some discarded German tyro called Mesut Ozil.
So deadline day was not entirely negative for the faltering champions. Indeed, drawing expertly on the inside knowledge that Moyes gained during his decade at Goodison Park,
United eventually cajoled Everton into accepting four million pounds more for Marouane Fellaini than they would have been obliged to accept if United had met the Belgian's buy-out clause before it expired a month ago. Which suggests it might just be a good thing that Moyes has zero experience of winning trophies, playing slick attractive football or beating teams in the top four.