Since when has that ever worried Irish sports selectors? 😉
Forget inclusiveness and make Lions Irish
It seems senseless to handicap the squad with players from Scotland, Wales and England
Although my colleague, the terrifying rugby union coach Shaun Edwards, described the Lions as a "scratch" side in his always-informative column yesterday, I'm not sure it was a deliberate pun. He was pointing out that the squad he's barking instructions at in South Africa comprises rugby-playing talent from four countries thrown together at short notice in the hope of mauling the world champions in their own backyard. It's a tall order by any stretch of the imagination.
While I can't speak for all of my compatriots, I know I am not alone among Irishmen in thinking that, as playing the best team on the planet already puts the Lions on the back foot, it seems senseless to further handicap them with a quota system that dictates players from weaker European rugby nations such as Scotland, Wales and England must fill berths on their team.
Picking representatives from all four home nations might have been acceptable when the main reason for sending Lions teams on tour was to publicly snub the French, but now Italy have been thrown into the Six Nations mixer, our friends in the Southern Hemisphere could be forgiven for assuming the Lions selection policy is decided by a monkey throwing darts at a map. After all, we'll be playing the Springboks, not a random Africa XV including token Meerkats, Wildebeest and assorted other cannon-fodder from those splatterfest documentaries you see on the National Geographic channel.
With this in mind, it has become apparent to my compatriots and me that Europe might be better represented by a British and Irish Lions squad made up exclusively of players from the grand slam-winning rugby powerhouse that is the Emerald Isle. We could call them the Irish Lions to avoid confusion, a mouthful travelling supporters would be more than welcome to abbreviate to the nickname "Ireland".
Traditionalists may balk at such an innovative notion but only because they remain rooted in an era when Lions tours were three-month-long amateur orgies of drunken violence during which the only respite came from Willie John McBride putting out the famous "99" call that prompted his team to rush to the sideline for refreshing ice?cream cones with chocolate flakes. So before firing off that angry email, ask yourself whether you want future Lions selectors to field the rugby-playing equivalent of the asthmatic kids who were forced to do PE wearing their vests and Y-fronts and lose heavily, or leave the less accomplished dead wood at home and win.
For the love of all that's good and holy, look what we're up against. According to Wikipedia, Pierre Johan Spies can run 100m in 10.07 seconds and "power clean" 135kg, possibly at the same time. He dead lifts 240kg and bench presses 165kg, can do pull-ups holding a 50kg weight between his legs and launch his 108kg body 1.4m on to a raised platform. He sprints for 835m before slowing on a repeated sprint-ability test and has a body-fat percentage of 6.5%. He is a beast of a man, the subject of unconfirmed reports that he snacks between meals on live Labrador puppies. It's rumoured that when Chuck Norris doesn't know what to do, he turns to the Springbok back?rower for advice.
Then there's Brian Habana, a man who can run so fast that he once famously raced against a cheetah. Admittedly, his legacy as a speed merchant was tainted by the inevitable defeat but the fact of the matter is that, unlike any of his northern hemisphere peers, the South Africa winger was at least considered fast enough to make such a contest worth staging.
Adam Jones, to pick one of our boys at random, may look like an actual lion with his trademark mane but he closely resembles a woman I once woke up beside the morning after an ill-advised drunken trip to a Cardiff nightclub. Is it fair to throw a flower so delicate, effete and ladylike in to a simmering rugby cauldron containing Schalk Burger?
Far be it from me to say "I told you so" but four years ago I wrote a column warning against the folly of top-loading a Lions team with English geriatrics and was derided as a clueless idiot on that Sky Sports show where Fleet Street's finest convene around a table in a pretend kitchen, discuss the sporting issues of the day and tell each other how great they are. I was subsequently vindicated and still wait in vain for their apologies. They refused to listen then I suspect they won't listen now. The fools.