I'm going to be ridiculed and mocked at big time as I type what I'm about to share, but it's ok. I'm not typing it to gain personal attention or prove anything either. I also have no intention of disrespecting any of the Muslim readers here too. Rather I hope that whoever is reading this will know that there is a narrow path in life that many choose not to take. It's a path that I found myself walking a few years back - only because I had nowhere else to go.
I haven't been through a divorce so I can't really say I know how it feels. However, I've been through many rough times throughout my life...frankly, rough doesn't really come close. Let's just say, I've been to hell and back. I won't bore you all with the details.
For 20 years I have been trying to escape from this hole I fell into, only to fall deeper each time I try my best to crawl my way up. Gradually my strength to fight on, to survive..began to wane. Eventually I had lost the plot and decided to just end it all. Attempted 3 times but failed.
Yes, I was a loser. That's what many would call me back then. But what they didn't realize was not too long ago before I fell into the hole, I was larging it big time. I lived a very hedonistic life, had lots of fun, did many things my mates back then would call - cool. 'Mates'. I thought they were until my problems started and one by one began to walk out.
D'you know the feeling - just when you thought you've made progress, failure hits you in the head and you fall back two steps. Then you muster more strength than before and give it another go. And then, disappointment slaps you in the face and you fall down again. And then your so-called 'mates' spout Carnegie tripe to you - 'Great people achieve success through many failures', trying to rally you on. Well I've failed so many times but then how come I haven't achieved my success ? How come I am not great yet ?
I was kinda in that spiral and couldn't get out. No matter how hard I try. Then just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, it did. I lost my loved ones. Then my savings. Then my job. Then my health. My 'mates'. Eventually, even my family turned against me cos they saw the rot I was in and the failure I had become. But worst of all, I lost the will to live. Of all ppl, I would never imagine I would be one of them - you know, 'weak'. I used to jeer at ppl who are depressed - thinking they are just losers or lame ppl who are just lazy to live life like every other normal person. But here I was - forced to eat humble pie. The thing with depression is - it eats away your confidence slowly and silently, without you realizing it. You'd deny it thinking that a shag or a pill would bring you back to the real world. But it *IS* reality. After coming down from each high, reality sets in and then it hits you hard. It hurts. But then you think - I'm a man. I can do this. And so, you go out there and look for whatever cheap thrills and pleasures that this dark world can offer - hoping that it can alleviate the misery and remove the emptiness deep down in your soul, not realizing that each thrill we seek, it etches a part of our sanity and morality away. And so, I sunk deeper into this hole - this vicious cycle that I unknowingly found myself in.
Consequently, it became so bad that I had lost my appetite to eat. I was afraid to sleep too because nightmares would haunt me and I would sometimes find myself waking up with tears, not remembering anything in the nightmare, except that I knew that I had just awakened from one. Yet, I didn't have a clue what the heck was happening to me, and how to get out of this spiral.
The feeling of coming so far in life only to lose everything and the thought of starting all over again...man, it felt like you'd just climbed Everest and thought you'd made it to safety only to see that you've got a 50 more Everests to climb. I was exhausted. With life.
When death is staring at you, mocking you with that cocksure arrogance that you'll be his in no time, and you've tried all sorts to save yourself but to no avail, eventually you'll try the last thing that you'll never imagine yourself doing from the beginning.
I remembered I had 'stolen' a Bible from a hotel once, many yrs ago - for whatever reasons I couldnt remember. I opened it and tried to read some verses from it thinking it had some sort of 'magical' powers within that could break the 'spell' I was in. Didn't have a clue what it was saying. I closed it and desperately cried out - "Jesus or God or whoever You are - if You are real, please help/save me !!"
Then something happened. It wasn't immediate nor was it like a zap of lightning. Nope, no instant miracles either. But what did happen was - I found myself attending Church for the first time in donkey years. The pastor was preaching a sermon on something - but I was struggling to pay attention, like most ppl do. I was definitely NOT the regular church-going type of person prior to this !
But there was a part in his sermon that made my heart shiver. It gave me goosebumps - didn't know why either. But amongst all that preaching, there was a still, silent and gentle voice that was sort of saying to me - "I know and I understand". Then the floodgates opened. Big tough guy that I was - weeping like a baby. Never before in my life has anyone said those words to me. Not even my family, my parents or anyone close to me. Someone knew what I was going through ! And He understood the struggles and pains !
Is this for real, I thought to myself. Is it God ?
I went home trying to make out what just happened but kinda gave up after awhile. Things didn't really improve after that. Except that I had gained some of my confidence back. Was eating and sleeping better. Decided to take a holiday out of the country and I partied hard and my old self was slowly coming to life again.
After returning, again i found myself going to church more and more. After a few months later, I decided to give my life to Christ and got baptized. And you know when Jesus said that when a believer is baptized, His Holy Spirit comes into him/her like a dove. Well, call it weird or whatever, it did. In a very powerful way.
It wasn't like a 'wow' thing or feeling. But I was smiling the whole day during and after my baptism. There was an inner peace that no words can explain. It was as if all the jigsaws in my life for the last 15-20 years have been solved. There was this unexplainable joy and peace that absolutely NOTHING in this world (and I've tried most things prior to this - drugs, sex, you name it, I've pretty much done a lot of it !) could give. All the hatred and rage I had disappeared ! I was a very violent, hot-tempered person too. Until that day, when it all made sense. When it all changed.
That was 4 years ago. Today, I am learning more about God, who He is and what He's like, and why am I here. I understand Him better now. He's definitely not as cruel the world accuses or makes him out to be ! In fact, His love is the most amazing and indescribable you'll ever find. He *IS* love ! God has blessed me what I've lost previously, twice-fold and much, much more. Yet I'm willing and happy to give up all that He's restored because I've now found the Blesser. Material things don't mean anything to me anymore.
I'm a much better person than before - still a sinner. I mean, we all are one way or another. We can do the most good in the world, but still we'll fall short of God's standards of perfection. Although I'm not sinless, I definitely sin less than before.
As crazy and 'uncool' as it sounds, Jesus is my everything now. He's shaping me into a man that I never thought I could be and knowing the fact that eternity awaits, that just gives me so much hope to live this life. Whatever struggles I face in this life, I know I can count on The Greatest to face them head-on together with Him on my side, and He will win. He already has. On the Cross.
C.S. Lewis once said this - "The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us."
John 3:16-17 (NLT) - “For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son (Jesus), so that everyone who believes in him (Jesus) will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him."
Sounds all baloney ? It was - in the beginning. But what IF, (spare a moment here pls guys), what IF all these 'baloney' is ALL true ? That this Jesus person is REAL and that what was said about Him was and is all TRUE ? Wouldn't it be a costly bet to risk your chips against ? After all, it's a life and death OR theologically put, a HEAVEN and HELL issue we're talking about. *IF* what they say is true about Heaven being a place with no more pain, tears, misery, suffering, death and sin, a place of eternal joy and peace and fellowship with our Creator and hell being a place filled with eternal fires and screams of pain and levels of suffering that is x10000000 much worse than what is experienced on earth, unlike the hedonistic haven of pleasures that man would like to believe is.....what if what Scriptures (Bible) say are all true ? Would it be too late then ?
Whaddapie, I do not know what you're exactly going through but I'm very sure Someone divine and much higher than us does. And He cares. A lot. As a Christian, it's my way of showing my care, concern and thoughts to your good self - by praying for you. I am praying for you bro.
Take care bro and may you find an answer and a way out of all these one day.
PS : If I have been in anyway coming across as self-righteous, I sincerely apologize. It was never my intention. It's just that I do care a lot and do feel for you.
PPS : Definitely not a Jehovah's Witness myself either too ! lol
