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Craig Bellamy's Week #9

gkmacca

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Member
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All right, mates? You had a heck of a week, eh? I can sympathise - because I have had an even WORSE week than that! Your mate Craig has had one ruddy HECK of a flippin' week! What? Oh, yeah! Don't get me started. Absolute heck of a week, me! If you don't believe me, just take a look at me diary:






SUNDAY: Flippin’ HECK! What a flippin’ NIGHTMARE of a day! Awful flippin’ match, awful flippin' performance, awful flippin’ result. Fed up having to play in flippin’ yellow: it’s clearly bad luck, and it also makes me look like a flamin’ TOOL. Why would anyone want to look like they play for flippin' NORWICH? I left that flippin' bunch of spud munchers years ago! Got back home really late – I’d missed all me favourite shows on the telly – had a quick bite of meat and went to bed. The missus had only changed the duvet, hadn’t she! Guess what colour. Yup, you got it: yellow. I couldn’t sleep a flippin’ wink.




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MONDAY: Restless. Didn’t want to read the paper or watch Sky Sports News. So I decided to have a bit of a surf on the Internet for a change. Had a look at some of the Liverpool fan sites. Flippin’ heck they’re a rude lot! Very few of them seem to know the offside rule, either. And then there were all the insults directed at yours truly! ‘Craig Bell-End’??? Quite frankly, I think most of them could do with a good old-fashioned smack. Mind you, I was checking out one of these sites and it turned out I was the 100,000th visitor, or something like that, so I won a prize! Flippin’ superb! So I went off to training with a bit of a spring in me step. Worked hard today at Melwood: Ian Rush had told me, ‘Don’t worry about your goal-scoring drought, Craig – you’ll probably get one when the ball bounces off your arse’. So I tried this in training, and the ball went all over the flippin’ shop! The thing is, see, I’ve got a very bony little arse, me. It’s not one of them great big cushiony things like Dalglish had – you could blast the ball at his arse and it would just drop down like someone had just given it a bottle-full of flippin’ valium! My arse, in contrast, is like a flippin’ rock! When I sit down on a wooden chair, the chair goes, ‘Oi! Get this flippin’ hard thing off me – it hurts!’ It’s THAT hard, see. So, the point is, I can’t see me scoring a goal with me bum. The ball is much more likely to accelerate once it hits it and then balloon straight over the flippin’ bar – thus inviting even more mockery from the people out there who, for some absolutely bizarre reason, like to laugh at your mate Craig. I went home in a right old mood. Thank God for flippin’ telly – it really relaxes me. I’m A Celebrity – Get Me Out Of Here started tonight. No idea who most of them are. I thought for a moment that one of them was Robbie Savage, but that turned out to be someone called ‘Faith Brown’. Never heard of him, either. Actually, I think I’d be flippin’ GREAT on that show. I’d swing from tree to tree, me, getting coconuts and that, going out hunting for meat. Oh yes, I’d walk the flippin’ contest, me. Craig Bellamy: King of the flippin’ Jungle! It will happen, one day. Oh yes. Dozed off later and dreamed I was being chased by a giant snake. Every time I looked like breaking away, some flamin’ IDIOT in a black spider costume blew a flamin’ WHISTLE! Woke up absolutely flippin’ terrified, and very, very angry.





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TUESDAY: Really getting in the mood for the game tonight. I think your little mate Craig is going to make his mark! But it occurred to me when I woke up this morning: I wonder what these Lickingstincher types EAT? Do they have, like, normal things, like meat? So I looked it up on this website:



Liechtensteiners eat three meals a day. [Hmm, OK, that sounds fairly normal.] Coffee and bread with jam are commonly eaten for breakfast (called ‘Zmorga’). [What on EARTH is THAT??? Bread and Jam?? For breakfast? And no meat??? Blasted gaylords!] ‘Zmittag,’ eaten at midday, is the main meal of the day and typically includes a main dish [Ah, meat, I presume], soup, salad [Eh??], and dessert [ Hmmm]. A lighter meal (‘Znacht’) is eaten at dinnertime [WHAT????], often consisting of an open-faced sandwich [A SANDWICH?? AT DINNERTIME???] made with various kinds of meat [PHEW!]and cheese [Steady on!].The country has a number of distinctive regional dishes [Aye aye?]. Käsknöfle [Did somebody sneeze???] consists of noodles [Oh my giddy aunt!] made by squeezing a mixture of flour, water, and eggs through a perforated board [ :roll: !!!]. The noodles are then baked with grated cheese and a layer of fried onions and are often served with apple sauce or a salad [What the flippin’ HECK????]. ‘Hafaläb’, another favorite [Really? It sounds more like one of them bubbles you make when you let one go in the bath!], is a dish made with a corn- and wheat-flour dough formed into small loaves. These are then boiled, left out to dry, sliced, and then fried [Eeuughhh!]. Corn flour is the principal ingredient of ‘Törkarebl,’ made from porridge [I really don’t believe this!!] that is then fried to create a dumpling-like dish [Er…] often served with elderberry jam [There they go with the JAM again!!!!].



Well, well, well. You’re as gobsmacked as me, I bet! What a flippin’ MAD bunch of people! Anyway, the match went down a flippin’ treat. Not too happy, to be honest, with our new kit: it makes me look like something out of flippin' Star Trek!. But I really fancied me chances tonight. The other lads warmed up the crowd with three flukey goals, then…our Craig comes centre stage: BIFF!!!! Get in!!! Craig’s back! Off his bum? No thank you, sir – no need. Just as nature intended, it flew off me flippin’ FOOT!





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WEDNESDAY: Flippin’ HECK! The missus had been on at me yesterday about the shopping: ‘Oi, luvver, make sure you get me Yakult, me hair stuff, me leg stuff, me feet stuff, me creams, me women’s things, blah blah blah…’ I thought to meself, seeing as I’d been surfing on the Internet and that, ‘I’ll shut her up, and relax a bit – I’ll order from flippin’ Tesco, and they’ll deliver it while I chill out watching Diagnosis Murder’. Clever old Craig, eh? So I’m sitting there, right, waiting for the time – 2-4pm. Nothing. Quite put me off the telly, because I was constantly getting up and running to the door every time I heard a flippin’ van go past. So I phoned up: ‘Hello, this is Craig Bellamy, vice-captain of Wales, I-’ No one there! Just some flippin’ music! In a flamin’ AWFUL mood now. Then the door bell: DING-DONG! ‘Hello, sonny, is your mum in?’ What the???? ‘I’m the man of the house!’ ‘Ha! You ought to have a smaller house then! Ha ha! Anyway, mate, here’s your Tesco order’. Flippin’ cheek. So I got these bags in, right. Yakult: present and correct. Women’s bits and pieces: check. But meat: nowhere to be flippin’ flamin’ seen! I opened the door, ran out and chased the van, shouting, ‘How dare you! How dare you sir! Give me my MEAT!!!’ Nothing. He just accelerated off. Absolutely furious! I just stood there, arms outstretched, incredulous grin on me face, saying, ‘Oi! OI!!! Tesco!!!!’





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THURSDAY: I know I often go on about how flippin’ stupid ‘Tuesday’ is for a name of a day, but what about ‘Thursday’? That makes me pretty flamin’ angry too. Try saying it while you’re looking at yourself in the mirror: you look a flippin’ TOOL! You have to stick your tongue out like some sort of, well, you know, ‘backward’ person, then you have to pull it back in your mouth and sort of grin as you say the ‘day’ bit. I mean, why on earth don’t people flippin’ THINK when they name these things?? In fact, I very rarely even SAY ‘Thursday’. If someone asks me, ‘Craig, mate, what day is it?’ I’ll usually just say, ‘Oh, it’s the day after Wednesday’ or ‘Oh, it’s the day before Friday’. They get the message. But why should I be made to say something as flippin’ STUPID as ‘Thursday’???? I mean: am I the only flippin’ sane lad in town???? Anyway, Tesco phoned to apologise about the missing meat. ‘Ah, Mr Bellamy. Craig Bellamy. Is that the same Craig Bellamy who’s the controversial footballer?’ ‘And vice-captain of Wales’. ‘And vice-captain of Wales?’ ‘And the face of Mini Peperami’. ‘And the face of Mini Peperami?’ ‘Yes, I’m him. Now, about this meat-’ ‘It’s on its way, Mr Bellamy, sir, along with a free £10 voucher for meat and meat-related products’. At last! A bit of flippin’ respect! ‘Oh, and one other thing…’ ‘Aye?’ ‘You’ve been “Savagedâ€!!! Ha ha ha! Take piggin’ that!!!’ It wasn't Tesco at all - it was that flippin' GIRL Robbie Savage. Flippin’ Robbie flamin’ Savage! Turns out he’s filming a pilot edition of a new prank show for BBC Wales called You’ve Been Savaged! What absolute CONKERS! I’ll get me own back, don’t you worry. As me Mam always says: 'It's just pure jealousy, Craig, luv!' Really angry, though, and, of course, I still hadn't got my flippin' delivery. I phoned up Tesco: 'Hello, it's Craig Bellamy here-' 'The controversial footballer?' 'Yes, yes, the controversial footballer, vice captain of Wales and the flippin' Face of flamin' Mini Flippin' Peperami! You know that order I made? 'Yes?' 'WELL, YOU CAN FLIPPIN' STICK IT UP YOUR FLAMIN' ARSE!!!!!!!' That showed 'em! Of course, then I had to go out to Morrison’s for something to flippin’ eat. Absolute chaos.





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FRIDAY: Unbe-flippin’-lievable! Letter came through the door – I almost tore it up, thinking it was that idiot David Dickinson again, but thank the Lord God John Charles that I didn’t! It was from the Welsh National Culture Secretary!!! I flippin’ kid you not! :




Dear Mr Bellamy,

In recognition of your move to Liverpool Football Club, and your two-match spell as acting Captain of the Welsh football team, we are pleased to inform you that you have been nominated for the Anglo-Based Welsh Personality of the Year Award (2006) alongside Charlotte Church, weather forecaster Sian Lloyd, Ian Hislop and Paul McCartney’s friend Victor Spinetti. All nominees will be invited to a three-course meal in Cardiff on 10th December, followed by a presentation ceremony hosted by Sir Tom Jones*. The overall winner will be presented with a special plaque, some book tokens worth a total of £50 and the ‘Silver Key to the Eisteddfod VIP Area for 2007’. We do hope that you will accept this nomination, and will attend our celebrations. Look you.


Sincerely,

Di Thomas-Jones (Mrs)


* Sir Tom Jones has not yet confirmed his availability. In the event of his unavailability, Max Boyce will be our MC.




What a flippin’ result! Of course, I phoned me Mam immediately. She was so excited she nearly dropped her flippin’ leeks! Now all I have to do is start scoring again!





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SATURDAY: Boro away today. I started, which was good, but there was a woeful lack of decent passes to me, and, of course, a couple of offside decisions that were absolute CONKERS! What’s that? What colour were we wearing? FLIPPIN’ FLAMIN’ YELLOW!!!! We were doomed. Sure enough, the last chance I had, the ball hit my arse...and ballooned straight over the flippin' bar! I just stood there, arms outstretched, incredulous grin on me face, saying, ‘Oi! OI!!! REF!!!!’
 
Quality. Bellers is to be applauded for raising awareness of the way of life in Liechtenstein.
 
That's superb Macca.

I have to admit that I can't even look at Criag Bellamy properly these days when he's on the pitch. I keep getting visions of meat and yakult every time the camera pans onto him.
 
Does anybody else read Craig's diary in a Welsh accent? It surely has to be done. It makes all the difference.
 
leftpeg said:
Does anybody else read Craig's diary in a Welsh accent? It surely has to be done. It makes all the difference.

Its a must.

Macca absolute genius. Better and better they get they do.
 
I love you.

I think these should be given a forum of their own.
 
someone should send this to the editors of Football365.com ... they definitely are as funny as the Gary Neville diaries ...
 
Hahahaha. Well done mate.

When bellamy got blew up for offside on Saturday, I saw his face, and the first thing I did was text Ryan "Flippin Heck! Offside!".

It makes me laugh every time I look at him now.

Keep it up.
 
leftpeg said:
Does anybody else read Craig's diary in a Welsh accent? It surely has to be done. It makes all the difference.

Nooooooooooh! They don't doo that down thuyr doo they
 
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