
All right, mates? You had a heck of a week, eh? I can sympathise - because I have had an even WORSE week than that! Your mate Craig has had one ruddy HECK of a flippin' week! What? Oh, yeah! Don't get me started. Absolute heck of a week, me! If you don't believe me, just take a look at me diary:
SUNDAY: Heck of a day. Didn’t want to be reminded at all - in any way, shape or form - about football, right, so I had a quick natter on me mobile with Robbie Savage. Then I took the missus out for a bit of an excursion. Oh aye, I’m a bit of a romantic, me, on the side. We went to Happy Mount Park at Morecambe. Lovely, it was. They had bouncy castles, crazy golf, paddling pools, a bowling green and an ice-cream kiosk, as well as some really elderly performance artistes (including the slowest mime I have ever seen in the whole of my flippin’ life! One of ‘em, right, took just over two HOURS to mime wakin’ up and getting up off the park bench! Absolute conkers!). Forget that, though, because in all other respects it was a flippin’ treat. Apart from when some stupid flippin’ flamin’ idiot of an attendant said, ‘Where’re your parents, sonny?’ while I was having a little go on the swings, I had one HECK of a good time. Then we went for a slap-up meal at Harry Ramsden’s in Blackpool – the missus had salad and chips, I had meat and chips, and we shared an absolutely cracking bottle of sparkling wine. Superb. Got back home just in time for Antiques Roadshow, then straight to bed.

MONDAY: I decided today to deal with this paperboy nonsense. Nip it in the flippin’ bud, right? Take control of the situation. So I went in to the newsagents and said, ‘Look, right, I’m not one to complain, but your paperboy is a flippin’ cheeky troublemaker!’ The bloke said, ‘Oh, aye, what’s his name?’ I said, ‘I’m not absolutely sure, to be honest, but, according to the badly-spelled and abusive notes he keeps slipping through me letterbox, his first name is “LOL†That’s how he signs himself, anyway’. The bloke said, ‘Nah, that’s “Laugh Out Loudâ€â€™. I said, ‘What? “Laugh Out Loudâ€? What sort of a name is THAT? Is he Chinese or summat?’ All of a sudden, right, the bloke went a wee bit coy – he had a silly little smirk on his face, he did, a bit like the flippin’ paperboy – but he just said, ‘Leave it with me, Mr Bellamy’. I reckon I stumbled on a little secret, there, right, I suspect I came to a pretty flippin’ interesting conclusion, there – maybe this “Lol†lad is actually an illegal alien from China or somewhere like that. At least that would explain why he does the exact opposite of whatever I flippin' ask him. Still, his Dad sounded like he came from somewhere like Preston, so I’m a bit confused to be honest. Oh well. I ended up having a bit of a row with the newsagent, too: he tried to charge me for six copies of Wales Today! SIX!!! I said to him (you know, arms outstretched, like, with an incredulous grin on me face), I said, ‘Look, mate, I like Wales, don’t get me wrong, all right? I flippin’ LOVE Wales, me, right? But why would I want SIX copies of the same edition of Wales Today? It makes no sense!’ He said, ‘Well, you always have two copies of NUTS delivered’. I said, ‘That’s totally different, and you know it – one is for reading, the other is for filing away in the collection – but Wales Today is a straight once a month order, always has been, always will be. So I expect this to be SORTED when I get back from international duty!’ He said, ‘Oh aye, Mr Bellamy, right: er, who are you playing for?’ ‘WALES!’ I said. ‘Flippin’ flaming’ WALES!!! Because I’m a Welshman!!!! And I’m flippin’ good at football!!!!’ Stupid idiot! It’s like me Mam sometimes says to me on the phone: ‘It sounds to me like you’re surrounded by idiots, Craig, luv!’ She’s not wrong, my Mam, she’s definitely not wrong! HUGE rush later, as I had to get to Glamorgan to meet up with Mr Toshack and the lads. Checked into me hotel room, removed a bottle of Cillit Bang from the bathroom and watched a bit of Ready, Steady, Cook! - which I'm pretty sure was rigged - then got ready for bed. The missus rang me on me mobile: ‘Hello, luvver. No Wales Today this time, and everything else was delivered properly. But I'm afraid the butcher has brought all the wrong meat’. So flippin’ angry I could hardly sleep!

TUESDAY: Do you know: I always wondered why they called today “Tuesdayâ€. It used to do my flippin’ head in, it did. Me parents used to get quite worried: ‘Oh, no, it’s Tuesday! Craig, son, come away from that calendar!†They’d find me there, right, arms outstretched, incredulous look on me face, going: ‘What? “Tuesdayâ€??’ So I looked it up, right? So, according to the French…Tuesday has something to do with Mars. Yeah, right. Absolute nonsense – as usual! Flippin’ flamin’ French! On the other hand, according to the Middle English types, right, Tuesday is named after the Norse god Tyr – a bit of a troublemaker, by all accounts. Frankly, that’s not good enough, either. Don’t you agree? Emperor’s new clothes time, okay: tell us why Tuesday is “Tuesday†or THINK OF A BETTER NAME!!!!!!! I mean, god, right, what absolute CONKERS! Eh? “Tuesdayâ€? Do they think we’re flippin’ IDIOTS???? Imagine you’re sitting there, right, in a cave somewhere. You’ve just agreed on “Monday,†right? Okay. Then someone says: ‘Oh, I know: let’s call the next day “Tuesdayâ€!’ I mean: who in their right mind would have suggested THAT????? I’m getting flippin’ angry just thinking about it! Anyway…WHAT A FLIPPIN’ FANTASTIC day THIS Tuesday turned out to be!!!! Mr Toshack called me into his office and said: ‘Craig, Ryan Giggs is injured, lots of other responsible people are injured, so I suppose you’ll have to be captain for the next two matches’. WHAT????? Craig Bellamy, little Craig from Cardiff, Captain of Wales???? What a flippin’ RESULT!!! First Slovakia and then Cyprus – I don’t even know where they are, but just think: little old Craig, with a captain’s armband on, leading out his fellow Welshmen! Absolutely ecstatic!

WEDNESDAY: Woken up early – mobile phone rang. Guess who? Yes, Robbie Savage. ‘How the HELL did you pull THAT off, Craig, you piggin’ joker!’ I was dead calm: ‘All right, Robbie?’ ‘How I am is piggin’ irrelevant at this point in time, you piggin’ munchkin! I’M PIGGIN’ FURIOUS IS HOW I AM!!!! Did you tell Toshack that YOU ordered those pizzas for him? Cos if you did I’ll rip your piggin’ ears off!’ I think I started whistling. ‘Did you say something, Robbie? Sorry, but I was just polishing me armband’. ‘PIGGIN’ CREEP! EXPECT PIGGIN’ RETRIBUTION, LOOK YOU!!!’ He’s absolutely out of his pram, that lad. Met Mr Toshack after breakfast – lovely bit of good old Welsh meat – and talked through his tactics. ‘Don’t get caught offside so often, Craig, all right?’ I nodded: ‘Absolutely not, Gaffer. I will time those runs to perfection’. He smiled. I added: ‘As I always do’. He started rubbing his face then – he seemed to get a bit emotional, like – and went off mumbling something to Roy Evans, who also seemed a bit emotional. I think they can't believe what they've just gone and done! Great decisions get you like that. As for me, I'm like Midas, me. Turned on Deal or No Deal in me hotel room - I only went and guessed every box right, didn't I! What a flippin’ week this is turning out to be!

THURSDAY: Woken up at 4 o’clock in the flippin’ morning by someone banging on my door. It was Mr Toshack. ‘Craig, boy, I’ve just had a delvery from Domino’s: six large deep-dish pepperoni pizzas, four Dominators with extra cheese, two Mighty Meatys and a large carton of chicken dunkers. Did you order these for me?’ Flippin’ Savage! I had to think quick: ‘Er, y-yes, Mr Toshack, sir, it was me’. He patted me on the head: ‘Good lad! That’ll tide me over till breakfast! Keep it up, boy!’ Phew! It really is me lucky week! Training later: some absolutely diabolical decisions, but I still managed to score against Paul Jones, who looks in devastating nick for a senior citizen. Here’s a Craig prediction: our Jonesy will keep a clean sheet on his 50th appearance on Saturday. Newsflash: you heard it here first! Later in the day I phoned up L’Oreal (Wales branch): ‘Hello, this is Robbie Savage, the controversial footballer who no longer plays for Wales. I’m afraid I’m going to have to cancel my standing order for your shampoo, conditioner, design mousse, Blondissima Crème, Colour Experte and ColorSpa Moisture Actif, because I’ve suddenly realised that I look like a flippin’ gaylord and so I am going to have a crew-cut! Thanks, bye-bye!’ Ha! That’ll show him! No one messes with Craig Bellamy, Captain of Wales! Had a decent bit of meat – okay but not sensational – and then early to bed.

FRIDAY: Breakfast: nice bit of meat brought in by Room Service. Ordered Mr Toshack his usual from Domino’s. Then put me feet up for a bit of Craig time. I was having a thought this morning. I’m always having thoughts, me! This one was about new telly programmes. What are two absolutely stonkin’ types of ‘can’t fail’ TV shows? Nature and cooking, all right? So what about doing something like that Blue Planet programme, showing all them lovely sea creatures, right, and then have someone like that Ainsley Harriot come in and show you how to cook them? I reckon that would be an absolute cracker of a show, that. I’ve got other ideas, too, mind. Ant on Deck: one half of Ant and Dec, right, on the deck of a Royal Navy ship each week, right, accompanied by a troupe of dancers and them Sugarbabe girls. And Dec, of course. All right, that’s sounding a bit messy, but the point is: I’m full of ideas, me. It’s the same with tactics: I’ve got tactics coming out me ears. I’m always going up to the Gaffer and suggesting things. He usually says, ‘For the moment, Craig, it’s best if you just concentrate on the offside rule’. So it’s flattering he trusts me to really get me teeth into something like that. I’m compiling a dossier on the subject, which I’ll surprise him with at Christmas. Anyway, back to the matter in hand: me first press conference as Captain of Wales! I thought it went well, after someone found a bit of a higher chair for me (that sort of thing should have been sorted out beforehand – but I kept me temper). Early to bed after that - well, it's me big day tomorrow, eh?

SATURDAY: You will not believe what happened in the tunnel before the game! It was unbelievable! There I was, right, proud as flippin' punch, waiting to move forward, when this UEFA bloke turns up, looks at me, shakes his head and then walks over and tries to take me armband off! He’s saying, ‘Come on, son, the captain wears that – not the mascot!’ I’m going: ‘Get your flippin’ hands off!! I AM the Captain! How dare you, sir! HOW DARE YOU!!!!!!’ Then the actual match: what an absolute load of conkers! Total flippin’ flamin’ HUMILIATION! The Press, amazingly, tried to cheer me up after it was all over – they said, ‘You did all that we expected of you, Craig,’ which was quite nice – but I was still flippin’ inconsolable, me. Got me Diagnosis Murder season 21 box set and me portable DVD player and locked meself in me room for the duration. What an absolutely flippin HECK of a day!