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Sir Alex Ferguson is said to be recovering in hospital with a bottle of whiskey hidden under his pillow. He was admitted suffering from shock and was repeating the words 'He could have killed him'.
The problem has just got worse for Rooney. A second scan has revealed that his brain must have fallen out of the crack in his head and he is now functioning via a usb stick the doctor shoved up his arse whilst ground staff scour the training area in search of the pea-sized bit of grey matter.
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