First Aid For Non-Medically-Minded People
Choking On Food
Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching them fucking hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of food hit you in the eye, however. Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill.
Concussion
When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the Prime Minister is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more.
Cuts and Wounds
Dress the wound, whatever that means. Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing. You will now get an Ambulance a lot faster.
Electrocution
Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, switch off the power immediately. Electricity costs an absolute fucking fortune, and it would be going to waste. Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human being). And do try not to be squeamish about it. Drive the victim to the nearest A+E. You can use him/her to jump-start the engine as well if need be.
Fractures and broken limbs
Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going to die. That always puts the wind up them. Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the rest of the job easier. Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc.
Objects Stuck In The Eye
Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with a pair of pliers. This usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering the victim any more before you can get to it. Or if they are still moaning, tip some salt straight onto the eye ball itself. Never fails!!!
Treating Burns and Scalds
Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (N.B. If the victims entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little too late for this). If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then remove clothing immediately. You can never tell, the sight of you parading around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury. Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. i.e. drowning and getting scoffed by sharks.
First Aid Tips
Appendicitis
Pain in right lower abdomen. Nausea, possible vomiting and fever. Who cares? It's a dead organ anyway. Punch him in lower left abdomen. Now they do have something to moan about as well as a pain on both sides of their belly.
Burns and Scalds
Redness, mild swelling, and pain. Blisters may develop. Peel away dead skin. Rub vigourously to encourage good circulation. Apply butter, marg or Flora cooking oil.
Convulsions
Strong, jerking movements; stiff body. Difficulty in breathing. Bluish face. Eyes rolled back, gritting of teeth, frothy mouth. Sit on victim. Laugh at until he gets embarrassed and stops. Or pull his hair and bang his head on the floor. If jerking continues, get the patient in to a bath and fill it up with water. Add two Persil Tablets and all your dirty washing. If you are not near a bath, take patients right hand and stick it down your underpants.
Cuts and Bruises
Cuts bleed and hurt. Bruises get red, swollen, and hurt. Call patient a poof and and send him back out to play.
Dog Bite
Redness, swelling and bleeding if skin is broken....... again call patient a poof.
Drowning
Unconscious, pale or blue skin. Tell bystanders "It's his own fucking fault he should have learned to swim".
Earache
Pain. Possible dizziness or discharge from ear. Possible fever. Listen to one hour of S fucking Club 7. Then you'll know what an earache is.
Call patient a poof.
Fainting
Pale, clammy skin, dizziness, shallow breathing, sweating and temporary unconsciousness.
Before patient revives, take his wallet and clothes and put him on a bus to Milton keynes.
Fever
Body temperature over 98.6 degrees F (37 C). Hot forehead. Administer 4 oz. of 'Old Sporan' [cheap whiskey] every 2 hours.
Frostbite
Skin flushed, then changing to white or greyish yellow. Blister may appear. Cold and numb. Pain. Submerge in boiling water and vinegar.
Heat Exhaustion
High temperature. Pale and clammy skin, or hot and flushed skin. Headache and weakness. Possible nausea. Lock up victim in walk-in freezer for 1-2 hours.
Insect Bites and Stings
Pain and redness at the site of the sting or bite. Possible allergic reactions such as shock or difficulty breathing. Capture insect and mash to paste. Dissolve in one cup of milk and have victim drink. Then call patient a poof
Nosebleed
Profuse bleeding from the nose. Punch patient in face as to start the other nostril to bleed and then apply tourniquet to victim's neck.
Poisoning
Symptoms vary. Throat or stomach pains. Mouth burns. Vomiting. Drowsiness. Give 1 tbsp Jeyes Fluid or White Spirits to flush system.
Shock
Victim pale and weak. Clammy skin, perspiration on upper lip and forehead. Pulse rate and breathing rate are increased. Grasp victim firmly by the shoulders and shake, shouting, "FUCKING GROW UP YOU POOF!"
Stroke
Unconscious. Heavy breathing. Apparent weakness in face or limbs on one side of body. Inability to speak. Kiss patient goodbye. It's all over. Tell family "it's gonna be a cheap xmas this year"
Sunburn
Redness, mild swelling, and pain. Possible blisters. Remove reddened skin with sandpaper. Soak affected area in piss or turps
Swallowing Foreign Bodies
Dangerous when in air passages. Violent coughing and choking. Bluish facial discolouration. Breathing may stop. Shout, "GET THAT KOSOV'S COCK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH"
Toothache Pain
Tooth is sensitive to hot and cold food and fluids.
Alternate administration of hot coffee and ice cream. call patient a wimp.
Crying Babies.
Put baby in fridge for 30 mins. If still crying put baby in freezer for 30 mins.
Choking On Food
Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching them fucking hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of food hit you in the eye, however. Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill.
Concussion
When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the Prime Minister is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more.
Cuts and Wounds
Dress the wound, whatever that means. Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing. You will now get an Ambulance a lot faster.
Electrocution
Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, switch off the power immediately. Electricity costs an absolute fucking fortune, and it would be going to waste. Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human being). And do try not to be squeamish about it. Drive the victim to the nearest A+E. You can use him/her to jump-start the engine as well if need be.
Fractures and broken limbs
Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going to die. That always puts the wind up them. Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the rest of the job easier. Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc.
Objects Stuck In The Eye
Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with a pair of pliers. This usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering the victim any more before you can get to it. Or if they are still moaning, tip some salt straight onto the eye ball itself. Never fails!!!
Treating Burns and Scalds
Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (N.B. If the victims entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little too late for this). If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then remove clothing immediately. You can never tell, the sight of you parading around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury. Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. i.e. drowning and getting scoffed by sharks.
First Aid Tips
Appendicitis
Pain in right lower abdomen. Nausea, possible vomiting and fever. Who cares? It's a dead organ anyway. Punch him in lower left abdomen. Now they do have something to moan about as well as a pain on both sides of their belly.
Burns and Scalds
Redness, mild swelling, and pain. Blisters may develop. Peel away dead skin. Rub vigourously to encourage good circulation. Apply butter, marg or Flora cooking oil.
Convulsions
Strong, jerking movements; stiff body. Difficulty in breathing. Bluish face. Eyes rolled back, gritting of teeth, frothy mouth. Sit on victim. Laugh at until he gets embarrassed and stops. Or pull his hair and bang his head on the floor. If jerking continues, get the patient in to a bath and fill it up with water. Add two Persil Tablets and all your dirty washing. If you are not near a bath, take patients right hand and stick it down your underpants.
Cuts and Bruises
Cuts bleed and hurt. Bruises get red, swollen, and hurt. Call patient a poof and and send him back out to play.
Dog Bite
Redness, swelling and bleeding if skin is broken....... again call patient a poof.
Drowning
Unconscious, pale or blue skin. Tell bystanders "It's his own fucking fault he should have learned to swim".
Earache
Pain. Possible dizziness or discharge from ear. Possible fever. Listen to one hour of S fucking Club 7. Then you'll know what an earache is.
Call patient a poof.
Fainting
Pale, clammy skin, dizziness, shallow breathing, sweating and temporary unconsciousness.
Before patient revives, take his wallet and clothes and put him on a bus to Milton keynes.
Fever
Body temperature over 98.6 degrees F (37 C). Hot forehead. Administer 4 oz. of 'Old Sporan' [cheap whiskey] every 2 hours.
Frostbite
Skin flushed, then changing to white or greyish yellow. Blister may appear. Cold and numb. Pain. Submerge in boiling water and vinegar.
Heat Exhaustion
High temperature. Pale and clammy skin, or hot and flushed skin. Headache and weakness. Possible nausea. Lock up victim in walk-in freezer for 1-2 hours.
Insect Bites and Stings
Pain and redness at the site of the sting or bite. Possible allergic reactions such as shock or difficulty breathing. Capture insect and mash to paste. Dissolve in one cup of milk and have victim drink. Then call patient a poof
Nosebleed
Profuse bleeding from the nose. Punch patient in face as to start the other nostril to bleed and then apply tourniquet to victim's neck.
Poisoning
Symptoms vary. Throat or stomach pains. Mouth burns. Vomiting. Drowsiness. Give 1 tbsp Jeyes Fluid or White Spirits to flush system.
Shock
Victim pale and weak. Clammy skin, perspiration on upper lip and forehead. Pulse rate and breathing rate are increased. Grasp victim firmly by the shoulders and shake, shouting, "FUCKING GROW UP YOU POOF!"
Stroke
Unconscious. Heavy breathing. Apparent weakness in face or limbs on one side of body. Inability to speak. Kiss patient goodbye. It's all over. Tell family "it's gonna be a cheap xmas this year"
Sunburn
Redness, mild swelling, and pain. Possible blisters. Remove reddened skin with sandpaper. Soak affected area in piss or turps
Swallowing Foreign Bodies
Dangerous when in air passages. Violent coughing and choking. Bluish facial discolouration. Breathing may stop. Shout, "GET THAT KOSOV'S COCK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH"
Toothache Pain
Tooth is sensitive to hot and cold food and fluids.
Alternate administration of hot coffee and ice cream. call patient a wimp.
Crying Babies.
Put baby in fridge for 30 mins. If still crying put baby in freezer for 30 mins.
