What do or did your parents do?
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Paddy said:
*Turns back*
I'm not that fucking daft.
Asim said:
it's the same all over the world actually.
would I be happier if my Dad told me he loved me?
no, some things are shown and not said.
he's sacrificed so much for me; he's denied himself constantly again and again in favour of me and my brother.he'd wear the same ratty shirt whilst putting money aside for our school uniforms, he'd always choose the smallest morsels for himself whilst making sure we ate well.
he's taught me self-respect and to appreciate the value of other people.he's taught me to respect work.most importantly, he's taught me that in life, all that matters is that you try your best and live honestly.
i feel stupid trying to encapsulate all that is my Father in 2 paragraphs.
I can never repay the debt I owe to my Father, all I can do is to try to be as good to my kids as he was to me.
Milner said:
As much as I get along and have a pretty solid relationship with my dad, there's a bit of back and forth. I owe him a lot in terms of things he does for me; he's really protective of me and has kept me out of a lot of muck and hassle. On the one hand I'm really grateful for that (and all the favours and things he does for me), on the other I something think it's held me back a bit. But I certainly wouldn't begrudge him for it. We are very, very different people and I think he struggles to understand me a lot of the time. Sometimes I get frustrated with this and get a bit filled with contempt, but ultimately our relationship is a positive one.
My mom though, I have such a brilliant relationship with her. We fight a lot and bicker and I'm often quite insolent, but it's only because she's always respected me and treated me as an equal from a very young age. She's one of the only people I know who I can have really really deep, meaningful conversations with, be almost completely honest with, and who I know will always be there as a moral compass for me. As much as I like my dad, there is a certain distance between us that isn't between my mom and I.
Paddy said:
Ha Ha
6CM's first adoption ?
Milner said:
Indeed,
A shout out to my ma, who is one of my best friends in the world.
She raised me on her own in the most part, and never complained. She was loving caring and taught me a fine sense of values.
She never gave me a bedtime, she let me swear, she didnt discipline me, she just let me fuck up and then talked through what i could have done differently.
She is a left wing pot smoking old fuckin hippy, and the world would have been a much MUCH worse place if she hadnt been in it.
Oh and she gave me as a gift, Bob Dylan, The Beatles, Tom Waits, the Marx Brothers, Frank Zappa, Vincent Van Gough, Van Morrison, Monet, Shakespeare, The Doors, The Stones, The Kinks, Humphry Bogart, The Titanic, Jack the Ripper, Turner, Gurnica, The Singing Detective, Pennies from Heaven, Gershwin, Cotes de Rhone, Creedence, Frank Sinatra, Elvis Presley, Alexandre Dumas, JRR Tolkien, Citizen Smith, MASH, Bukowski, Fawlty Towers, Bobby Darin, Cassius Clay, Pot, The Fabulous Furry Freek brothers, Toulouse Latrec, The Buzzcocks, The Clash, James Ellroy, Henry Fonda, Jimmy Stewart, Joni Mitchell, John Martyn, Upstairs Downstairs, 24, Jeanie C Riley, Doowop, John Coltrane, Behan, Marvin Gaye, Ivan Lendl, Metro Goldwyn Mayer and hope.
My old man came over from Hong Kong aged 16/17 where he went to Catholic boarding school and was roundly beaten by the oh-so-Christian brothers that ran it.
He went to Liverpool Uni to do Medicine, but slacked it out and so (disappointing his father) he did not become a doctor, but instead became a dentist, which he remained (NHS) until he retired about 2/3 years ago. He now plays golf every morning, and spends the rest of his day buying and selling golf equipment on ebay, generally at a fairly healthy profit.
He met my mum while she was working in a petrol station, and used to go there to fill up regularly just so he could talk to her.
They married, and for the most part she was a housewife, although I know at various times she was a DJ, did light factory work, secretarial jobs etc.
She was unhappy though (as she always has been since her fucked up childhood) and, unable to apportion blame anywhere else, blamed my father for her being miserable and left him when I was aged 5.
After that, things were fairly fucked up for a bit, with a lot of accusations being bandied about by my Mum about how my Dad was an evil person, how he was trying to cheat her out of money she needed to look after us kids, how he tried to rape her etc. - some pretty fucked up shit basically.
Although not 'official', looking back it's plain to see she had a nervous breakdown, and at one point she was taken seriously ill with pleurisy and nearly died. During this time she tried to hold down a number of shit jobs, such as secretarial stuff and that, but inevitably she would always feel as though she were being ostracised and picked on and the job would eventually become untenable.
My dad, unaware of the things are mum was doing to turn us against him, seemed pretty much like a stranger at this point, and rather than actually feel that bond between us like a father and son should, he seemed more like the guy that used to be married to my mum that we were obliged to see once a week.
I think being from an Oriental background probably didn't help his cause much, as the culture is very different, and I think it would be fair and accurate to say that he was pretty much emotionally retarded. As a kid, I thought the only emotion he had was anger, which he was quick to rise to, and as kids me and my brother were both caned on a fairly regular basis. Other than that, he never told us he loved us, never really showed any warmth or affection towards us, only harangued us to make sure we worked hard at school and did what we were told.
Later on, with hindsight, and my (now placated) mother's help, I realised that to him, this was his way of showing us his love - by trying to do the best for us, by working all the hours he could to make money to try and secure us our future by providin for us as best he could.
To try and put this into perspective, consider the differences between the two sides of my family - my Mum's side, the Scouse side, would be warm and effusive in their greetings, even if they had seen us just a month ago it'd still be "HIYA! Howareyouluv!" *big hugs all round*
Contrast this with my Dad's parents who, though they may not have seen us in ten years would barely stand up from the table, issue a grunt and say "Hunh. You're here. Sit down. Drink tea."
Growing older and realising these things have brought me closer to my Dad, and we both know that we love each other very much, yet there is till a certain amount of distance between us, which I'm sure we'd both like to breach but just don't know how. However, we're making progress - in the last three years or so I've managed to hug my Dad for the first time ever, and also managed to tell him I love him.
I made it before I'm 30! (Just) Quite an achievement IMO.
My mum remarried about 12 years ago, to the nicest, most laid back man on the planet (he'd have to be to marry my mum!) She's remained a housewife for the most part, although she is a fully qualified NLP trainer and practitioner, she doesn't have the self-belief to pursue this as a career.
She used to work for the National Institute of Chartered Accountants as a mediator, but once again the whole "I'm being picked on" thing reared it's ugly head and she felt like she had to quit. Her self-confidence and self-esteem never really recovered, and she's spent the last few years as a virtual recluse severely depressed and chain smoking like a trooper.
She has her faults, but at heart she's one of the most generous spirited, loving and caring people in the world, and it breaks my heart to see the damage she does to herself, but like anybody who's depressed, the only person that can really help her is her, and so I try to be there for her as best I can, and provide her with the support she needs.
Ultimately, I know that I fail, because I just don't have the strength of character to carry her as well as me, but I do my best.
She's the polar opposite of my father - warm, emotional, tactile, and willing to prioritise emotional needs over financial, and before she emigrated she was one of my closest friends and pretty much my only confidante. Now she's living in Oz, we don't get to speak as often or as openly as either of us would like, and I don't really like to open up to her too much anymore as I know she's got too much on her plate to deal with.
She's still waiting for my step-dad to get a job (IT) and is considering investing in a small business such as a sandwich shop or something.
I live with my old man, and though we see each other all the time, we don't really spend much time together. It's something I hope to remedy, as soon as I've figured how. We play the odd game of golf together, which is nice, but it'd be nice to be able to break away from our standard topics of conversation, which are golf, cars, family, and . . . errrr, well that's about it really, apart from the odd bout of random moaning
He went to Liverpool Uni to do Medicine, but slacked it out and so (disappointing his father) he did not become a doctor, but instead became a dentist, which he remained (NHS) until he retired about 2/3 years ago. He now plays golf every morning, and spends the rest of his day buying and selling golf equipment on ebay, generally at a fairly healthy profit.
He met my mum while she was working in a petrol station, and used to go there to fill up regularly just so he could talk to her.
They married, and for the most part she was a housewife, although I know at various times she was a DJ, did light factory work, secretarial jobs etc.
She was unhappy though (as she always has been since her fucked up childhood) and, unable to apportion blame anywhere else, blamed my father for her being miserable and left him when I was aged 5.
After that, things were fairly fucked up for a bit, with a lot of accusations being bandied about by my Mum about how my Dad was an evil person, how he was trying to cheat her out of money she needed to look after us kids, how he tried to rape her etc. - some pretty fucked up shit basically.
Although not 'official', looking back it's plain to see she had a nervous breakdown, and at one point she was taken seriously ill with pleurisy and nearly died. During this time she tried to hold down a number of shit jobs, such as secretarial stuff and that, but inevitably she would always feel as though she were being ostracised and picked on and the job would eventually become untenable.
My dad, unaware of the things are mum was doing to turn us against him, seemed pretty much like a stranger at this point, and rather than actually feel that bond between us like a father and son should, he seemed more like the guy that used to be married to my mum that we were obliged to see once a week.
I think being from an Oriental background probably didn't help his cause much, as the culture is very different, and I think it would be fair and accurate to say that he was pretty much emotionally retarded. As a kid, I thought the only emotion he had was anger, which he was quick to rise to, and as kids me and my brother were both caned on a fairly regular basis. Other than that, he never told us he loved us, never really showed any warmth or affection towards us, only harangued us to make sure we worked hard at school and did what we were told.
Later on, with hindsight, and my (now placated) mother's help, I realised that to him, this was his way of showing us his love - by trying to do the best for us, by working all the hours he could to make money to try and secure us our future by providin for us as best he could.
To try and put this into perspective, consider the differences between the two sides of my family - my Mum's side, the Scouse side, would be warm and effusive in their greetings, even if they had seen us just a month ago it'd still be "HIYA! Howareyouluv!" *big hugs all round*
Contrast this with my Dad's parents who, though they may not have seen us in ten years would barely stand up from the table, issue a grunt and say "Hunh. You're here. Sit down. Drink tea."
Growing older and realising these things have brought me closer to my Dad, and we both know that we love each other very much, yet there is till a certain amount of distance between us, which I'm sure we'd both like to breach but just don't know how. However, we're making progress - in the last three years or so I've managed to hug my Dad for the first time ever, and also managed to tell him I love him.
I made it before I'm 30! (Just) Quite an achievement IMO.
My mum remarried about 12 years ago, to the nicest, most laid back man on the planet (he'd have to be to marry my mum!) She's remained a housewife for the most part, although she is a fully qualified NLP trainer and practitioner, she doesn't have the self-belief to pursue this as a career.
She used to work for the National Institute of Chartered Accountants as a mediator, but once again the whole "I'm being picked on" thing reared it's ugly head and she felt like she had to quit. Her self-confidence and self-esteem never really recovered, and she's spent the last few years as a virtual recluse severely depressed and chain smoking like a trooper.
She has her faults, but at heart she's one of the most generous spirited, loving and caring people in the world, and it breaks my heart to see the damage she does to herself, but like anybody who's depressed, the only person that can really help her is her, and so I try to be there for her as best I can, and provide her with the support she needs.
Ultimately, I know that I fail, because I just don't have the strength of character to carry her as well as me, but I do my best.
She's the polar opposite of my father - warm, emotional, tactile, and willing to prioritise emotional needs over financial, and before she emigrated she was one of my closest friends and pretty much my only confidante. Now she's living in Oz, we don't get to speak as often or as openly as either of us would like, and I don't really like to open up to her too much anymore as I know she's got too much on her plate to deal with.
She's still waiting for my step-dad to get a job (IT) and is considering investing in a small business such as a sandwich shop or something.
I live with my old man, and though we see each other all the time, we don't really spend much time together. It's something I hope to remedy, as soon as I've figured how. We play the odd game of golf together, which is nice, but it'd be nice to be able to break away from our standard topics of conversation, which are golf, cars, family, and . . . errrr, well that's about it really, apart from the odd bout of random moaning
Bloody grrrrrrr
Single, that was a great and interesting read. Reminded me a lot of my ex's family. She's half-Japanese, on her mom's side, and her mom was always cold and distant with her and her grandparents on that side were loving but also very critical and at times demeaning.
Her parents split a few years ago for a variety of reasons, incl. because her mom was addicted to prescription medications and had tried to kill herself on at least one occasion and was basically a nutjob even before that. My ex was estranged from that entire side of the family for a couple years and did not talk with her mom at all. She's now back in touch with most of the family but, at least as of when we broke up six months ago, still did not talk to her mom and brother. She lived with her dad, who has just remarried to a South American.
Her parents split a few years ago for a variety of reasons, incl. because her mom was addicted to prescription medications and had tried to kill herself on at least one occasion and was basically a nutjob even before that. My ex was estranged from that entire side of the family for a couple years and did not talk with her mom at all. She's now back in touch with most of the family but, at least as of when we broke up six months ago, still did not talk to her mom and brother. She lived with her dad, who has just remarried to a South American.
darkstarexodus said:
No matter what, people should always stay in touch with their folks IMO.
I only say this because my Mum was estranged from her Mum for years and years (until she had us kids basically - she wanted us to know our grandparents, well grandparent - granddad died before I was born) but before that she hadn't spoke to her since they kicked her out of home.
Anyways, a few years ago my Nan died of cancer, and it wasn't until then that my mum realised she actually loved her. All those years she'd felt nothing but hatred and bitterness, but despite everything that she'd done to her, in the depths of her heart she still loved her - and I think she found that really surprising, and more than a little upsetting that she only realised it when it was too late.
I think there comes a time in everybody's life when they realise that their parents aren't perfect - that they're human beings with fuck-ups and hang-ups who make mistakes just like us. For some people this realisation comes at quite an early age - for me I guess it was mid to late teens, but when that realisation hits it can be quite an epiphany, growing up as a kid I thought my parents knew everything and had it really together, and when you realise they don't it's a little bit scary, but kind of liberating at the same time
singlerider said:
In general I would agree. Her mom was, pretty much literally, off the deep end though. And the divorce was very messy. Her mom had turned most of the family, incl. her own brother, against her and her dad and almost explicitly made her choose sides. There were physical conflicts and a lot of verbal damage. I always thought it such a shame but neither side was willing to compromise enough to make it happen. While I hoped they could patch things up, I honestly couldn't blame my ex too much for being aloof (as much as I may have other things to say about her these days...).
Ironically enough, I eventually came to think of her as being very similar to her mother in many ways, which is something she vowed never to become. This was one of the reasons (among others, on both our sides) why we parted. And she holds a bitter grudge against me to this day, which is also very reminiscent of her mother. I would find it deeply amusing (and, for her sake, somewhat pleased, I guess) if the two of them were back in touch these days.
the count said:
You're not a 'fraud' - You're offering friendly advice after learning from your 'mistakes'.
I was walking with some mates in the Desert a few years ago and I looked at my watch, and started crying. I had realized that it was 5 years since my nonnou (grandfather) had passed. I was very very attached to the man and I loved him dearly. I wrote this passionate e-mail to my dad when I returned home explaining to him how much I loved him etc (I've always told him this, but in the context of my pain, I thought I would share) and he replied to me with something along the lines of: I only wish I was as open with my dad as you are with me, for I know when I pass, you won't feel the pain that eats at me all the time ...
