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Jocky Hansen's Woeful Haircut Analysis

gkmacca

6CM Addict
Member
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Hello, there. As I'm sure you'll agree, I've always been committed to the three s's - short, straight and sensible - when it comes to tonsorial matters, but some of my fellow Reds, I'm afraid, have exhibited some absolutely shocking Birkenhairs. Let's take a look:


Keegan
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Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. Where do we start? This is poor. What you want from your hair is a clear pattern and a proper sense of purpose. This is a nothin' haircut. It looks like a helmet from some awful Errol Flynn movie. It's strangling the head that grew it. You could hide groceries under that monstrosity. Yellow card for Kevin, but we'll return to him later...


Le Tallec
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No excuses for this: it's woeful. What was the guy thinking? Pour milk on that and you could eat it for breakfast like Weetabix. It's not a haircut, it's a corn circle gone wrong. Absolutely shocking attitude. Red card.


Evans

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Alun's style is deceptively sensible, but it's lazy and lacking in clarity. What's it doing? Covering or attacking? Creative or destructive? Look at it again - it's a nothin' cut. This hair says: 'I'm just going to hide and hope you don't notice I'm a waste of space'. A lot like the player, in fact! A yellow card followed by a substitution.


Souey

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Now this is absolutely shockin'. We couldn't even fit all of this hair in the picture - it's THAT undisciplined. Let's be brutally honest: this is woman's hair. I don't want it anywhere near a football pitch. Straight red card, Graeme, mate - you're off!


Keegan

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Okay, Kevin - you've earned yourself a warning. Do that again and it's over!



Boersma

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Souey's mate Phil Boersma gets a grudging pat on the back for his consistency - unlike quite a few of Anfield's perm posse, Boersma remembered to get the fluffy sideburns, too. But does he deserve a pat on the head? No he doesn't - you wouldn't want your hand anywhere near that monstrosity. It might be okay on a faux glam rock band like The Darkness, but not in a team where pace and passion and power are the three p's. How would you head a ball with THAT? It would disappear into the curls and never be seen again. Two yellow cards - one for the hair, one for the sideburns. Off!


Jones

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Where do I start? This is a mess. Poor use of the flanks, too cute in the middle, powderpuff stuff at the front. There's even a suspicion of an early dragback there at the crown. An absolute Ronaldo of a barnet there. Straight red card, followed by an FA inquest.


Gonzalez

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OK, seeing as you're new, this is just a warning. This hair is all about showboating and needs to be much, much, more serious, substantial and centred. Woeful positional sense, dreadful discipline and a basic lack of concentration. In my day, Ronnie Moran would have some of us in front of the mirror with combs and stiff brushes, practising for hours until our scalps were bleeding. That's what is needed here. You've got to grow up quick, son, and get that sorted out. (While I'm on the subject of current players: Stevie Gerrard's tentative attempt at a Tintin quiff - it's not the right way to go, not befitting a captain of Liverpool. Cut it off!)


Kuyt

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No. A quick Graham Poll shake of head and three yellow cards. Just go!


Keegan

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Kevin, you're finished. Absolutely WOEFUL! Red card, ten match ban. Just go!
 
Great post again Macca.

In regards to Keegan: Why is it that he is so underrated by Liverpool fans? Is it because he left? Most people on all fora's don't have him in their dream team which I simply do not understand. Maybe you and Vlad can throw some light on this for me...
 
Maybe it's down to age. If you were a kid when he played for us he was an idol. Incredible player. Now I'm amazed how many people (non-fans) don't even know he played for us. Then there was the manner of his leaving - players just didn't leave a club like Liverpool, and they didn't go abroad. So there was bitterness. And he was/is such a mercurial character: people always say how, when he's in an upbeat mood it's infectious, and that's true, but it's the same when he's in a bad mood, too. I'll never forget one night when we played Coventry, away, in his last season: I was close to the pitch, and he was just tetchy all night (his entire routine was to get the ball with his back to goal, pivot left, pivot right, invite a tackle, fall down, get free kick, get ball back, pivot left, pivot right, etc etc). He sulked when Shanks left, he sulked when Alec Lindsay was replaced by Joey Jones (not accurate enough for him), and he could actually make you feel tense watching him. So he was a bit...odd. Then there was him being Owen long before Owen - England star, England captain, all that - didn't go down too well in some quarters. So short memories, odd behaviour and the N'cazzle effect, I guess. But I couldn't dislike the man - he was brilliant in his last match for us and helped us win our first European Cup. If Kuyt comes close to his standards we'll be in fantastic shape.
 
gkmacca said:
Maybe it's down to age. If you were a kid when he played for us he was an idol. Incredible player. Now I'm amazed how many people (non-fans) don't even know he played for us. Then there was the manner of his leaving - players just didn't leave a club like Liverpool, and they didn't go abroad. So there was bitterness. And he was/is such a mercurial character: people always say how, when he's in an upbeat mood it's infectious, and that's true, but it's the same when he's in a bad mood, too. I'll never forget one night when we played Coventry, away, in his last season: I was close to the pitch, and he was just tetchy all night (his entire routine was to get the ball with his back to goal, pivot left, pivot right, invite a tackle, fall down, get free kick, get ball back, pivot left, pivot right, etc etc). He sulked when Shanks left, he sulked when Alec Lindsay was replaced by Joey Jones (not accurate enough for him), and he could actually make you feel tense watching him. So he was a bit...odd. Then there was him being Owen long before Owen - England star, England captain, all that - didn't go down too well in some quarters. So short memories, odd behaviour and the N'cazzle effect, I guess. But I couldn't dislike the man - he was brilliant in his last match for us and helped us win our first European Cup.

Cheers Macca. Interesting and educational as always. I find it very fickle that some people would let their judgement be clouded be the above mentioned factors. I remember watching him in 77 (on TV of course) and he won us that trophy in 77 against Gladbach and I had never seen anybody that good before. He simply owned the pitch. (That was the night I became a LFC supporter btw).

Odd that Soueness doesn't get the same treatment and is left out of the greatest XI Liverpool side ever, by the same fickle fans!
 
Really? I haven't seen Souness left out of too many of those selections. He'd be captain of mine for sure.
 
Grungefuttock said:
Really? I haven't seen Souness left out of too many of those selections. He'd be captain of mine for sure.

That was my point. Everybody has him on their team.
 
I suspect there's one particular reason why Keegan is - rightly IMO, I have to say - not in most people's All-Time teams, though I imagine he'd be on the bench in most cases (definitely on mine). That reason is Kenneth Mathieson Dalglish. Those who do accommodate Keegan pick King Kenny in midfield in order to do so. Mistake - in midfield the King was little better than ordinary and had a tendency to get lost in the melee, whereas up front he was as good as two normal players. Dalglish and Rush have to play together up front and that's why Keegan has to be sub.
 
Great job mate... especially on this one...


gkmacca said:
Le Tallec
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No excuses for this: it's woeful. What was the guy thinking? Pour milk on that and you could eat it for breakfast like Weetabix. It's not a haircut, it's a corn circle gone wrong. Absolutely shocking attitude. Red card.
 
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