
Hello, there. As I'm sure you'll agree, I've always been committed to the three s's - short, straight and sensible - when it comes to tonsorial matters, but some of my fellow Reds, I'm afraid, have exhibited some absolutely shocking Birkenhairs. Let's take a look:
Keegan

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. Where do we start? This is poor. What you want from your hair is a clear pattern and a proper sense of purpose. This is a nothin' haircut. It looks like a helmet from some awful Errol Flynn movie. It's strangling the head that grew it. You could hide groceries under that monstrosity. Yellow card for Kevin, but we'll return to him later...
Le Tallec

No excuses for this: it's woeful. What was the guy thinking? Pour milk on that and you could eat it for breakfast like Weetabix. It's not a haircut, it's a corn circle gone wrong. Absolutely shocking attitude. Red card.
Evans

Alun's style is deceptively sensible, but it's lazy and lacking in clarity. What's it doing? Covering or attacking? Creative or destructive? Look at it again - it's a nothin' cut. This hair says: 'I'm just going to hide and hope you don't notice I'm a waste of space'. A lot like the player, in fact! A yellow card followed by a substitution.
Souey

Now this is absolutely shockin'. We couldn't even fit all of this hair in the picture - it's THAT undisciplined. Let's be brutally honest: this is woman's hair. I don't want it anywhere near a football pitch. Straight red card, Graeme, mate - you're off!
Keegan

Okay, Kevin - you've earned yourself a warning. Do that again and it's over!
Boersma

Souey's mate Phil Boersma gets a grudging pat on the back for his consistency - unlike quite a few of Anfield's perm posse, Boersma remembered to get the fluffy sideburns, too. But does he deserve a pat on the head? No he doesn't - you wouldn't want your hand anywhere near that monstrosity. It might be okay on a faux glam rock band like The Darkness, but not in a team where pace and passion and power are the three p's. How would you head a ball with THAT? It would disappear into the curls and never be seen again. Two yellow cards - one for the hair, one for the sideburns. Off!
Jones

Where do I start? This is a mess. Poor use of the flanks, too cute in the middle, powderpuff stuff at the front. There's even a suspicion of an early dragback there at the crown. An absolute Ronaldo of a barnet there. Straight red card, followed by an FA inquest.
Gonzalez

OK, seeing as you're new, this is just a warning. This hair is all about showboating and needs to be much, much, more serious, substantial and centred. Woeful positional sense, dreadful discipline and a basic lack of concentration. In my day, Ronnie Moran would have some of us in front of the mirror with combs and stiff brushes, practising for hours until our scalps were bleeding. That's what is needed here. You've got to grow up quick, son, and get that sorted out. (While I'm on the subject of current players: Stevie Gerrard's tentative attempt at a Tintin quiff - it's not the right way to go, not befitting a captain of Liverpool. Cut it off!)
Kuyt

No. A quick Graham Poll shake of head and three yellow cards. Just go!
Keegan

Kevin, you're finished. Absolutely WOEFUL! Red card, ten match ban. Just go!