Depression

[Woland]

Thanks dude. I'm not going to off myself as gladly I know this stuff comes in waves. Just good to vent now and again innit. Read an interesting piece by a woman who had always resented her dad killing himself but then found a letter to her thirty years later and realised how hard it was for him and he was probably just having a really bad day.

So quick note to anyone having suicidal thoughts. It's true I think in many cases that what seems one way of seeing things one day can look different the next. I know in a lot of cases it's not as simple as that but I know things will turn round for me.

 

[Red Astaire]

Fucking oath it comes in 'waves'! - I know - I'm just a numpty that you met on the raz - YOU are special and loved. You'll laugh at this in a few days. Stay cool and awesome X L

 

[leftpeg]

Antidepressants are a mixed bag.

I've been on citalopram, sertraline and mirtazipine. All worked wonders until they didn't.

They work wonderfully in tandem with counselling, until the counselling stops working.

Done cbt twice and had decent spells on those 3 antidepressants.

I think private counselling is something I need to invest in. It's my last avenue before I declare myself a write off

I’ve been off the tablets for about three years but started Citalopram again a few weeks ago. The side effects were worse than they’d ever been so I’ve sacked them off again and I’m going through all of my CBT stuff. I think with any talking therapy the key is to put all your doubts and reservations to one side and just go for it. I thought CBT would be a load of mumbo jumbo but actually it’s helped me enormously in the last few years.

Sending you all best wishes @Fabio and @Woland

 

[Fabio]

Thanks dude. I'm not going to off myself as gladly I know this stuff comes in waves. Just good to vent now and again innit. Read an interesting piece by a woman who had always resented her dad killing himself but then found a letter to her thirty years later and realised how hard it was for him and he was probably just having a really bad day.

So quick note to anyone having suicidal thoughts. It's true I think in many cases that what seems one way of seeing things one day can look different the next. I know in a lot of cases it's not as simple as that but I know things will turn round for me.

I read that aisling bea article, made me feel a weird good/bad hybrid

 

[Fabio]

I’ve been off the tablets for about three years but started Citalopram again a few weeks ago. The side effects were worse than they’d ever been so I’ve sacked them off again and I’m going through all of my CBT stuff. I think with any talking therapy the key is to put all your doubts and reservations to one side and just go for it. I thought CBT would be a load of mumbo jumbo but actually it’s helped me enormously in the last few years.

Sending you all best wishes @Fabio and @Woland

The cbt seems to work for about 6 months, and then I feel.much better. Then when I feel like shite I feel the techniques don't work any more.

I'm planning on chatting with the GP next week for some advice

 

[Portly]

My GP booked me in to see a counsellor on the NHS. It took so long for an appointment to come up, that I was on the road to recovery.

The lady counsellor gave me a little speech to the effect that I should abandon all hope of getting off with her, which was unlikely because she was a dog.

I didn't very much like the woman, and thus felt unwilling to open up my soul to her. We came to a mutual decision to scrap the sessions.

 

[mark1975]

I read that aisling bea article, made me feel a weird good/bad hybrid

As an aside, I've got a really big thing for Aisling Bea.

 

[mark1975]

Here's the article.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeand...-of-men-of-their-vulnerability-and-tenderness

 

[Spionkop69]

It's fucking nuts dude. My kids have been doing some really nice stuff and volunteering time and effort to homeless charities and I should be feeling proud and vicariously happy. I'm meant to be in some ace party in London tomorrow night and my wife is dying for me to go, thinking that kinda thing will fix me. But I just can't get into anything at all. I haven't been to my local pub (57 yards away) for months.

I walked 10 miles today, I think I feel better than this time yesterday. I hope you feel better too. There's something rotten in the culture, not us. You work all day helping people. That's why we can't give in.

One day at a time mate. One day at a time.

You're a boss lad and every time I've met you, I just feel like I've known you years.

In my world, when the dark looms, I tend to isolate because if I tell people, they say well meaning things but they just send me further down.

I refer back to what I learnt from the support when I first came out. Seek the support that works for you, is the only "advice" I'd give. Being vulnerable doesn't make you abnormal, if anything it makes you more normal.

If you ever need a non-judgmental ear, then feel free.

Man hugs etc.

 

[Spionkop69]

I’ve been off the tablets for about three years but started Citalopram again a few weeks ago. The side effects were worse than they’d ever been so I’ve sacked them off again and I’m going through all of my CBT stuff. I think with any talking therapy the key is to put all your doubts and reservations to one side and just go for it. I thought CBT would be a load of mumbo jumbo but actually it’s helped me enormously in the last few years.

Sending you all best wishes @Fabio and @Woland

Well done mate. You know the tools that work, you know what's right for you and you have self awareness. Keep going fella, you know you can get this in check.

 

[Spionkop69]

The cbt seems to work for about 6 months, and then I feel.much better. Then when I feel like shite I feel the techniques don't work any more.

I'm planning on chatting with the GP next week for some advice

That really resonates with me mate.

The way I see it is that I'm reprogramming my previously hard coded thoughts. Gonna take time to change 40 odd years of automated thought process.

Plus we are all allowed to have bad periods, it's allowed.

 

[leftpeg]

Being Liverpool supporters doesn’t always help either mind.

 

[LeTallecWiz]

Being Liverpool supporters doesn’t always help either mind.

I shouldn't laugh but the one thing that fucks up far too many nights of my life is this club ... I love them but fucking hell, can we have some more nights like Istanbul PLEASE?

 

[Spionkop69]

Being Liverpool supporters doesn’t always help either mind.

Not this week anyway.

 

[Spionkop69]

My GP booked me in to see a counsellor on the NHS. It took so long for an appointment to come up, that I was on the road to recovery.

The lady counsellor gave me a little speech to the effect that I should abandon all hope of getting off with her, which was unlikely because she was a dog.

I didn't very much like the woman, and thus felt unwilling to open up my soul to her. We came to a mutual decision to scrap the sessions.

I had a similar experience in my 121 CBT after group CBT. I felt she didn't believe me. There was no empathy, and it seemed like I was viewed as someone who was just weak.

After a while she just turned to me and said to me "you don't like me do you?" I just responded by saying that I didn't feel a connection, so I was being very cautious as I didn't want to show all of my vulnerabilities to a person who I felt didn't care or want to care. So she got up and walked out. 5 mins later another person came in and basically rescheduled me back to GP to get counselling rather than CBT. Really set me back because there was no explanation, and it really felt like I'd done something wrong.

Sitting waiting for my first counselling session at the GP and it was evening surgery, so people were being called for Dr this and Dr that. Then I got called by name to go and see plain Christine. Paranoia set in as I got up feeling like everyone was looking at me knowing I was going for counselling - they probably didn't of course but in my head, it was like that. Walked in feeling as low as I think I could be.

Then I met my counsellor and everything changed. Things from CBT clicked. I started taking responsibility for my actions and stopped blaming others and being a victim. I was schedule for 6 sessions under NHS. She battled for me and got me 16. I thought my last session would be sad, but it wasn't. It was closure, it was right.

That lady helped me sort myself out. No magic wand, no magic words. She just listened as I worked it out for myself. I'm incredibly lucky to have got the support I did. Yeah I still have some awful days, but don't we all.

I tell people this so that they can see that this can get better. But as I've said before, my journey is unique. Everyone's journey is unique. Find what works for you. Yes, some things that worked for others might work for you, but not always. But one shouldn't then think that they can't be helped. It's about unlocking your own path in my opinion. Don't be pigeon holed or put in silos, be an individual.

 

[SummerOnions]

I never thought I'd get as dark as I have again lately, but I'm in as low a place as I've been since my early twenties and have been thinking very dark thoughts the last few weeks. Normally I just walk the dogs and have a nice meal with the family, go the gym, count my blessings and climb out of it. I've been arrogant enough to assume that I had it all figured out and if I did the right thing then I could counter it, but I've been on the edge lately. Actually starting private therapy tomorrow. Which is kinda funny coz doing the whole ancestory thing since my dad's death (my dad distanced himself from his family) has revealed I'm like half or eighth of somthing jewish. Actually I'm zero percent because it all goes down the female side, which makes the whole thing a sham, but it also explains why I'm dead clever and funny and have a big nose and stuff and maybe why I've also ended up in therapy tomorrow. But anyways, I reckon if I didn't have my boys and wife and knowing how much it would fuck them up I'd just kill myself. And it's so difficult to explain. Not to you. To me.

Dude. I'm drunk so this may not help. Soz. Genuinely when I say this you're one of the most honest people I've ever met.

That means that kinda openness brings a world of shit to yourself. I'd say you're the kinda person to always say shit and mean it. This stuff is a bollocks chain around our collective and individual necks. A tightening that feels like it never relents. An endless burden. I'd like to say: fuck that. We're all in this cycle together. None of us are super rich cunts with a fix. We're all in this world with something but never enough. always with a comparison but its all shit when you see some poor bastard next to you. Things will look up. Find distractions that aren't comparisons.

I honestly feel we're in an era where we all feel kinda bad. Like its our fault we can't afford stuff. Like we ought to feel guilty when we feel happy. Like every time someone has success its denigrated by the fact that someone else you love is struggling. Some people would love us to own that vibe, to falter, to strife. It makes them feel better, to ignore their own problems cos they can actually make comparisons and lift themselves. Fuck that

We're all human, incredible people all better as one. We're strong. We all have a laugh together because of one important thing among others: its not about others fucking up. Its all of us.

I'd like to say dude, be strong, you've got your shit way together. I've got so little. It doesn't work like that.

I hope you pull through cos I've always seen you as someone that will just pull through but I know how selfish that is. In reality I hope it works out cos you're so much better than so many of the cunts I see. That's not an answer. I dont have one.

All I know is how far we've all come. How far we still will. There's so much more of a future here. It looks dark in the pits of hell but hell should be scared of us. It should be fucking running if it knew what we all are capable of.

Soz, bare drunk. Apols if this is stupid. Fight it all. Good feelings you contribute always beat this darkness

 

[Atlas]

When I worked in a pru, I dealt with some emotional stuff daily kids whose lives had been messed up by horrible circumstances etc etc suicide attempts (it was a shit attempt but an attempt nonetheless)

I was emotionally drained daily, and it was sometimes to much to handle, I was tired when I was made redundant but it helped me loads. @Fabio we have plenty of shit to deal with in daily lives without the added baggage of work and the lives of those we can't save.
It's easy for me to say I suppose, yeah just quit and move on but it helps massively not having to drag that emotional energy around with you.
Better to do so before your forced to move because of ill health etc.

Can't imagine the pain and stress some of you gents are going through but praying happiness prevails and stays long term.

 

[Avmenon]

Well, the black dog is back again. After so many years, I can't say it's been missed.

It's kind of weird for me, because whereas in the past I've always been in a position where my life is okay and therefore I had little 'reason' to be depressed, but I was, now for a change I've actually got shit to complain about.

And I guess it's hard, because all of the coping strategies that I've developed have been centred around moderating that internal dialogue and maintaining a healthy relationship with myself, to ward off those feelings of self-loathing and self-hatred. Now I find myself in a position where I feel okay about myself, but basically most of the things in my life are pretty shitty, and there's nothing to be done about them.

What do you do when actually you've got a reason to be depressed? Just be depressed until it all blows over?

I dunno man, it's weird

Hey Dan.

Sorry it's back, hope its a bit better now.

For me I never needed a reason to feel 'depressed' though life often gave me reasons to feel worse.

I just try to shrug and say this is bad but maybe its not so bad tomorrow. Pretty naive and simplistic, but maybe it counts for something i guess.

It's a good thread, just shows that we're not alone, and what we go through hits all of us in some way. There's a difference between depression and feeling down of course, that's why I used the quotes above. I dont know what i have, just that it hurts.

It still helps (i think) to be reminded that pain is always there.
The black dog never really leaves ( for me anyway).
I just decide to do my normal stuff and hope he stays quiet as much as possible.
The barks can get hard to ignore after a while though.

There's a lot of good people in this thread who know the dog, some of whom i've met. I hope we all manage to do our best even if he's in the background.

 

[Avmenon]

Sorry this is so late btw.

Not been here for a while

 

[ILD]

You need to get back to the Harry and do some more karaoke Ave.

 

[Portly]

That's the thing with depression. You can be doing karaoke in the Harry after Liverpool have just beat United 6-0, and still feel that you have no alternative but to kill yourself.

 

[FoxForceFive]

That's the thing with depression. You can be doing karaoke in the Harry after Liverpool have just beat United 6-0, and still feel that you have no alternative but to kill yourself.

This is glib, but true.

Bar the usual financial strains there is absolutely no reason for me to be depressed currently, quite the opposite in fact, yet I am. Not dreadfully so, but enough to make normal life difficult for me.

It's irrational, cos your brain chemistry is misbehaving.

 

[Avmenon]

You need to get back to the Harry and do some more karaoke Ave.

Ta Dave.
I'd love to say that was a good night; but if I remember correctly we lost to Spurs and that was the same weekend when everything went to shit for me for a very long time.
Still plodding though.
Yes, it was a good night.

 

[ILD]

Shite man, yeah I think Modric ran the show in that game. Let me know if you are over again any time soon and we'll try grab a few pints and a bit of Karaoke 😉.

 

[Avmenon]

That sounds ace.
Hope the opportunity presents itself.
had a bit of luck in 2013 when I managed to catch up with Spion Kop in London and we caught the game at White Hart Lane.
That match was absolute medicine for me; my last game in 2011 was also Spurs and we lost at Anfield so to twat them 5-0 at theirs 2 years later was fucking amazing.

 

[mwake]

An interesting read...

https://www.theguardian.com/society...depression-wrong-johann-hari-lost-connections

 

[Mamma Mia]

I've been vainly trying to deal with this for the last two years.

Tried the meds, tried changing jobs, went through a bout of alchoholism, pushed people away, hermited up, saw a shrink....

It fucking blows, and if I don't find a way out soon I am going to lose the only things of any importance to me.

Hard to believe this was almost 6 years ago. I found my way out of it for long enough to have forgotten what it was really like.

Then suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, the darkness came back. Reading this thread again is somewhat reassuring.
Many of us have beaten it down before, and will likely have to face it again some day.

 

[Fabio]

Seems to be a cycle

It's just remembering you've done it before, and you can do it again

 

[the count]

Hard to believe this was almost 6 years ago. I found my way out of it for long enough to have forgotten what it was really like.

Then suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, the darkness came back. Reading this thread again is somewhat reassuring.
Many of us have beaten it down before, and will likely have to face it again some day.

I am not going to pretend I have a clue what to say but I wish it were as easy as that scene in Shawshank Redemption where Tim Robbins plays opera over the prison tanoy lifting the spirits of the prisoners.
I hope you find something to lift your mood mate.

 

[dantes]

Seems to be a cycle

It's just remembering you've done it before, and you can do it again

There may be a pretty significant positive to this too. I think your experience is invaluable preparation for what the bastard of a universe has ensured will await our consciousness's upon death. Darkness, isolation, endlessly long periods of stagnation, total silence, and being alone for trillions of years at a time with nothing but your own thoughts for company. In the likely event that our conscience endures due to mathematics, then those seem like an accurate description of the end game to me. I'll try my best to look for a way to save us all, but alas I wouldn't give myself more than a decade before I totally lose my mind and turn into some incomprehensible disembodied wreck. Then it will be up to you to hang in there long enough for a solution reveal itself to you.

I'm not insane, get that thought out of your mind, I speak only the truth to you.