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Woland

Woland

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I've been having a hard time sleeping for a few weeks, and it might be a cliche but I thought try and make something out of it. I also know that most poetry is shit so this will probs fall into that category, but here we go anyway

Hi police, and my MP
Maybe I wouldn't be mad if you didn't lie about me
Maybe I'm blaming you as the abuser
That you're the reason that I'm a user
But fuck you people anyway
You're bullies and you can bury thoughts miles away
But I watched this one kid as he died
I tried to help but he was was only nine
So fuck you and fuck all your excuses, all your abuses, all your cover ups and all your brotherly love
I didn't just watch him die, I saw loads, he was just the youngest,
I wanna know how big the bung was
When you told Murdoch that I did this
I stole my friends wallets while I took a piss
Cos the fact is I'm just looking at the ceiling
At 5am while I can just hear people screaming

I'm not sure if I should get a snack out the fridge or jump off a bridge. That sounds quite mean to my family but it's how that my mind has been. It just seems that there's no way out of this prob, it's extreme.

I do know that I've wasted my last decade. The last one I had where I could take any action, get myself going and get myself traction. It's all on down to me and I'm on my knees, I've lost any belief

What's happened is I have gone backwards, gakwards. Not even that I haven't had that for beards.

Just what booze does to me is weird these days, it changes my ways. A few pints with my mates and I'm totally up for what anyone says

So it's like a film that you're half way through and you know that nothing will improve, make that move so you just walk out, without any doubt

So you start thinking maybe there's only one way you can fix this. I just know it upsets us.

If I thought that it wouldn't hurt my friends and my fam, then you'd only talk in the past tense about this man.
 
Woland said:
I've been having a hard time sleeping for a few weeks, and it might be a cliche but I thought try and make something out of it. I also know that most poetry is shit so this will probs fall into that category, but here we go anyway

Hi police, and my MP
Maybe I wouldn't be mad if you didn't lie about me
Maybe I'm blaming you as the abuser
That you're the reason that I'm a user
But fuck you people anyway
You're bullies and you can bury thoughts miles away
But I watched this one kid as he died
I tried to help but he was was only nine
So fuck you and fuck all your excuses, all your abuses, all your cover ups and all your brotherly love
I didn't just watch him die, I saw loads, he was just the youngest,
I wanna know how big the bung was
When you told Murdoch that I did this
I stole my friends wallets while I took a piss
Cos the fact is I'm just looking at the ceiling
At 5am while I can just hear people screaming

I'm not sure if I should get a snack out the fridge or jump off a bridge. That sounds quite mean to my family but it's how that my mind has been. It just seems that there's no way out of this prob, it's extreme.

I do know that I've wasted my last decade. The last one I had where I could take any action, get myself going and get myself traction. It's all on down to me and I'm on my knees, I've lost any belief

What's happened is I have gone backwards, gakwards. Not even that I haven't had that for beards.

Just what booze does to me is weird these days, it changes my ways. A few pints with my mates and I'm totally up for what anyone says

So it's like a film that you're half way through and you know that nothing will improve, make that move so you just walk out, without any doubt

So you start thinking maybe there's only one way you can fix this. I just know it upsets us.

If I thought that it wouldn't hurt my friends and my fam, then you'd only talk in the past tense about this man.
Click to expand...

That's great, though heart-breaking.
 
So very sorry to hear what you're going through mate. If only retribution brought solace but I doubt it will/would.

I know there's little most of us can do except be here in this forum whenever, if ever, you or Wilko or anyone else affected, need us to listen and just be here.
 
Sorry mate. hugs to you from over here. That's a lot of trauma to process, no matter the passage of time

Stay with us.
 
We can't imagine what you've been through or what you continue to go through daily, mate... But we also can't imagine this place without you.

It probably doesn't mean much, compared to what really matters in your life, but you make all of our lives better by just being here, with your always funny posts and your willingness to help strangers to the city feel more at home. You're a constant comfort to a bunch of people you'll probably never know, and that matters.

So, I hope that helps even a little bit, but either way, please know that it's not only your family who'd miss having you around here if we lost you.

YNWA
 
Thanks for the kind comments but I just see it as a weakness. People go to war for years and see ten times as bad shit, over years. This was obviously a terrible afternoon. But it was one afternoon.
 
Frogfish said:
So very sorry to hear what you're going through mate. If only retribution brought solace but I doubt it will/would.

I know there's little most of us can do except be here in this forum whenever, if ever, you or Wilko or anyone else affected, need us to listen and just be here.
Click to expand...

I've never saught 'justice' because I don't think anyone meant for what happened to happen. I think people were shit, but let's face it, people are shit. I'm defo shit. It's not like I could point a finger and make it go away. I wouldn't want anyone else to suffer. Well apart from Kelvin McKensie. I'd like to see that cunt nailed to a cross.
 
Woland said:
Thanks for the kind comments but I just see it as a weakness. People go to war for years and see ten times as bad shit, over years. This was obviously a terrible afternoon. But it was one afternoon.
Click to expand...
Trauma is trauma. Whether its war, abusive parents, or seeing tragedy unfold around you. There's no weakness to this. If anything it takes a strength to live through it and come out the other side. There will always be moments where it floods back, as thats what we as humans do. When we're low the sadness seeps back in to the mind and embeds.

You're doing great by continuing and wading through the shit. You'll come out the other side cleaner than ever.
 
Woland said:
Thanks for the kind comments but I just see it as a weakness. People go to war for years and see ten times as bad shit, over years. This was obviously a terrible afternoon. But it was one afternoon.
Click to expand...
I think a big difference is that in war you expect to see bad shit and rarely do you see bad stuff happen to family. You never expect what you went through at the football. That kind of shock to the system would stay with you forever and be seared into your memory.
What you and others went through is incomprehensible and frankly it’s amazing to see the kind of generous human you continue to be year on year.
You are hands down the most helpful and selfless person on this forum in terms of helping fellow fans get to live out their dream of seeing Liverpool live at Anfield (me included) and there are countless numbers of us forever greatful for what you do.
Not to mention you are a funny, clever and successful human to boot.
I hope you find a way to ease the pain and continue to live life to its fulliest.

Fantastic poetry btw, truly outstanding.
Gut wrenching to read, I’ve no idea how you had the strength to pen it.
 
Woland said:
Thanks for the kind comments but I just see it as a weakness. People go to war for years and see ten times as bad shit, over years. This was obviously a terrible afternoon. But it was one afternoon.
Click to expand...

Nothing could be further from 'weakness' than fighting through that shit every night and still getting up and carrying on every morning, mate... You're human, not weak. And you've seen more than any of us are built to handle...
 
Woland said:
Thanks for the kind comments but I just see it as a weakness. People go to war for years and see ten times as bad shit, over years. This was obviously a terrible afternoon. But it was one afternoon.
Click to expand...
It's not weakness at all my man, it's your basic empathy, sympathy and humanity shining through. Take care. The same thoughts to @Wilko7 and all the others who have suffered.
 
Woland said:
Thanks for the kind comments but I just see it as a weakness. People go to war for years and see ten times as bad shit, over years. This was obviously a terrible afternoon. But it was one afternoon.
Click to expand...

It's not a weakness man, if anything you are showing your strength by sharing on here. It's a lifetime of trauma crammed into one afternoon. It's not about if it was a day or a month. It was too much for a kid, either way to see.

There's ALWAYS people who've been through worse. I've used that expression many times, myself, to justify not taking care of myself, not getting help, or minimizing. But that doesn't mean what happened isn't awful.
 
Dreambeliever said:
I think a big difference is that in war you expect to see bad shit and rarely do you see bad stuff happen to family. You never expect what you went through at the football. That kind of shock to the system would stay with you forever and be seared into your memory.
What you and others went through is incomprehensible and frankly it’s amazing to see the kind of generous human you continue to be year on year.
You are hands down the most helpful and selfless person on this forum in terms of helping fellow fans get to live out their dream of seeing Liverpool live at Anfield (me included) and there are countless numbers of us forever greatful for what you do.
Not to mention you are a funny, clever and successful human to boot.
I hope you find a way to ease the pain and continue to live life to its fulliest.

Fantastic poetry btw, truly outstanding.
Gut wrenching to read, I’ve no idea how you had the strength to pen it.
Click to expand...

This. Are you a perfect human? Feck no. Are you a generous sod. Are you a good lad? Are you a good Dad? YES, not hard to see that at all. You've done so much despite all this trauma man.
 
Whaddapie said:
We can't imagine what you've been through or what you continue to go through daily, mate... But we also can't imagine this place without you.

It probably doesn't mean much, compared to what really matters in your life, but you make all of our lives better by just being here, with your always funny posts and your willingness to help strangers to the city feel more at home. You're a constant comfort to a bunch of people you'll probably never know, and that matters.

So, I hope that helps even a little bit, but either way, please know that it's not only your family who'd miss having you around here if we lost you.

YNWA
Click to expand...

I just want to echo this. You are one of the heartbeats here, truly appreciated by us all.

And you show your strength by being able to share your innermost thoughts with us.

You have all our admiration, of that I've no doubt.
 
Woland said:
Thanks for the kind comments but I just see it as a weakness. People go to war for years and see ten times as bad shit, over years. This was obviously a terrible afternoon. But it was one afternoon.
Click to expand...
People who go to war are braced for some bad shit to happen. You went to a football match. The worst you could have expected was for Forest to win.
It's brave of you to put it out there, stay strong.
 
I can't imagine what you've been through and so I struggle to find any words to say. But we're happy you're here, mate. And we hope you'll stay.
 
Thank you for sharing this. It's painfully raw, and it takes real bravery to express feelings this complex and intense. You’re squaring up to memories that most people are fortunate enough to be unable to imagine. When your mind starts comparing you to war veterans, rushing to invalidate your feelings and bolt on some guilt, remember that your brain can be a right cunt. It's often working relentlessly against you and consistently seeking to inflict self-harm. When you have the strength, challenge it. Know that you went out to watch a football match and saw, heard and experienced a living nightmare. Everything you've experienced since that day is valid, rational and have been shared by all those who were there. That day would have broken every one of us on this forum a million times over.

If writing helps, even a little, keep doing it. And know that there are people who care.
 
Woland said:
Thanks for the kind comments but I just see it as a weakness. People go to war for years and see ten times as bad shit, over years. This was obviously a terrible afternoon. But it was one afternoon.
Click to expand...

Everytime you share your thoughts, speak to somebody and engage in conversation you are showing strength, not weakness. Just like training a muscle, the more you do this, the stronger you become and the easier it will be to address.

People who go to war are trained for the environment, know what to expect and still choose to go there. Then after all of this - they are not ok. You got on a coach to Sheffield to watch some footy, sing some songs and have a laugh. What happened is unprecedented.

We love you Crumpy, and you are a huge positive on the world around you.
 
This would make for great lyrics in my opinion.

I keep making shitty little AI Tracks with it and it really works.

You should do a proper one.
 
Yeah my son saw it last night and as you probs know he's into music production and said we should do something with it. He's in with Sophie Ellis Bextor this week and I doubt this is her kinda thang. Name dropping. Whatever, all I know is he's said that's she's really lovely, whereas lots of little bands who have never recorded a track are quite rude she goes out of her way to make everyone feel comfortable.

So we could do something to it, it didn't seem to take so long to write, I was just looking at the ceiling so put it on that WhatsApp channel you can write to yourself. But the thing is I think music should be uplifting. Literature can be mentally violent. Music should raise the soul. That's my thoughts on that anyway.
 
Woland said:
I know it refers to the very darkest thoughts but I'm not going to act on them. I've seen how devastating it is for those left behind. A lot lately. It's almost as if everything is fucked up.
Click to expand...
I can only share my perspective not yours obv but when I'm struggling and looking for a way out I remind myself that I can wake up different each day and I just need to get to the end of one day sometimes to feel like I can start again. Sometimes that helps when I'm in a tailspin (which is like once a week)

Ps I saw you mentioning sleeping I take drops of mulungu and Ashwagandha most weekday nights and it helps a lot
 
Woland said:
Yeah my son saw it last night and as you probs know he's into music production and said we should do something with it. He's in with Sophie Ellis Bextor this week and I doubt this is her kinda thang. Name dropping. Whatever, all I know is he's said that's she's really lovely, whereas lots of little bands who have never recorded a track are quite rude she goes out of her way to make everyone feel comfortable.

So we could do something to it, it didn't seem to take so long to write, I was just looking at the ceiling so put it on that WhatsApp channel you can write to yourself. But the thing is I think music should be uplifting. Literature can be mentally violent. Music should raise the soul. That's my thoughts on that anyway.
Click to expand...

Would it be ok with you if I uploaded a couple of AI versions to YouTube as unlisted? The videos won't be public and will only be viewable with a link. I want to share them with a couple of mates only.
 
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